Sharing the Fire

We may not know it at the time but deep awakening is possible around every corner and on every new road that is traveled. When it came to my first Burn I knew about the journey and the benefits of positive surroundings. I was aware of the other possobilities as well. Those being fun, acceptance, and happiness. I was very much prepared for the beauty that was the desert and to share the experience that I already had as well as what I was about to learn. One thing that I was not prepared for, however, was the complete cleansing that took place in my soul. I was not prepared for the unstoppable tears that fell for hours on the night the man burned. I most definitely was not prepared for the sudden awareness of the pain that I was holding on to.

The day of the burn was a lovely day. Hot, dusty, and terribly fun; as most days at Burning Man are. Our fantastic camp (The Space Gnomes) gathered, we put on our matching space hats, grabbed our space ray guns, and hit the playa as one. The walk over was full of excitement and anticipation. I had no idea what to expect and was ready to cheer and dance and run around the desert in celebration of our new freedom. I was in awe of the fire performers and reveled in the fire works. But as soon as the first explosion of true flames erupted the tears began. Without warning they fell with such force that I could barely cheer when the man finally fell from his Spaceship throne.

I am incredibly content in my life, but I still cry. Most often in happy moments, at the end of yoga class, during a good song, or watching a commercial about how awesome the world is ( http://youtu.be/at_f98qOGY0 ). So it was disconcerning to be crying out of discomfort, pain, hate, and fear. I experienced all those emotions as they left my body. It was like the Playa dust filled every single nook and cranny. It was in every inch of my being, inbetween my breaths and my thoughts, surrounding my hopes and my dreams, and there was no room left for pain. No space for expectation. And when the last bit of microscopic volume in my cells was filled with dust there was no capasity remaining for fear.

The next day when I awoke… I was completely cleared of any of those emotions and was whole again with love, acceptance, peace, contentment, and dust… of course. I took a deep breath as I sat out on the deep Playa Sunday watching the sunrise and remembering the night before. It was amazing to feel that whole of a human for the first time in my life. Weightless, yet steady. Excited and calm. Loving myself and the man next to me who supported me the whole way to our home the night before. I realized then what a powerful and nessesary experience it was that I had and how lucky I was to have that experience along with 67 000 other souls. That everyone, not just my partner, supported me through that challenge of release. And I know that my energy helped sustain someone else’s journey as well.

I am incredibly grateful for this this moment in time. An unexpected release and the chance to return to the world with a new perspective and the inspiration to share and encourage others to take the 10 Principles of Burning Man http://www.burningman.com/whatisburningman/about_burningman/principles.html#.UjaKNxzkMjU into their hearts.

Life is full of spectacular moments, but we cannot plan for them. All we can do is wake up. Go outside and smile.

Goddess’ of May

Last month I resolved to write more. Everyday in fact. But did I? Actually, I came pretty close. Having my journal on me everyday was like carrying along an old friend. I missed writing about small moments and dreams of things to come. It was also nice being able to look back throughout the month and see the lessons that I have learned and how things have developed with a particular relationship or situation. For a long time my journal was my key to sanity and hope so I appreciated the opportunity to re-connect. I suppose I won’t write in my journal as much as this next month progresses but hopefully will be writing more often. Reigniting the power of words within me.

As always, now we move into the next month. Beautiful, hopeful, May. At first I wasn’t sure what I wanted to improve on or challenge myself with. Than  I went to an inspiring yoga workshop over the weekend and there it was. The essence of the workshop was celebrating your inner Goddess through meditation, song, writing, dance, and yoga. What I came away with that night, however, was a closeness to my fellow Goddess sisters that I have never felt before.

I have never had a lot of female friends. I have even fewer female friends that I have actually stayed in contact with as I have moved around. Always falling out of touch and than simply out of mind. I have continually wondered about this and early on envied the relationships that other women seemed to have with each other. Telling all their experiences and deep dark secrets. But eventually I decided that it just meant that I was better in some way. I was independent and didn’t need the crutch of a gaggle of girlfriends to complete me. “Girls night out” caused me to make a face of disgust and I rarely ever attended parties that only included women. It had nothing to do with wanting the attention of men, but I just felt out of place and self-conscious. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t hate. I respect, admire, and I have often have good experiences with women but there always seemed to be this sense of competition,  judgement, and disconnection.

But finally the other night at the workshop, for the very first time in this circle of women, I finally felt free of that. I was safe to speak my truth and our amazing guide allowed understanding for the light and the darkness within all of us. For the first time I wasn’t looking at anyone’s clothes, judging their choices, or feeling those same energies from someone else. We we completely bare and that just made us stronger. For some this probably isn’t a new idea or perhaps seems obvious. But for myself, its like a light-bulb went on and I can finally see the strength that is cultivated when groups of women unite free of society’s ideals for us and what we are “supposed” to be.

So with that in mind, my intention for May came forward. To make stronger connections with my sisters, help other women to see their Goddess within, and to let go of my judgements that I seem to carry.

Shower

As I step into the shower the water first reaches my outstretched hands. Fingers tingling and palms open ready to test the temperature of the water shining down. Too hot. As I reach farther forward to turn the faucet cooler the front of my body gets hit with the warmth. I gaze down at my hands, now glistening from the wet. Its like I can see everything I touched today washing down my forearms, elbows, and into the drain. Down goes the bad and the good. My failures and accomplishments. My pains and my pleasures. No longer tired or energized. No longer covered in the day, the week, the month, or the year. I am completely neutral. Balance. Equal parts of everything that makes up me. No thoughts drifting to distract. Just clear perfect balance. I am that. That is me.

My 3 Favorite Poses (today)

There are a lot of things that I love about yoga. If I were to write a column called “My favorite things about Yoga” it would take a lifetime because everyday I learn something new either about myself or the practice. Today the thing I love is the freedom to change and grow. To have new hobbies and ideas. To meet different people and open you up to new experiences. There is no pressure to do the same thing everyday and the desire to explore the practice is encouraged. So when I say my 5 favorite poses…. they are today’s favorites. Because who knows what tomorrow will bring and thats exciting, not scary.

 

When I woke up this morning and began to breathe fully and move my body inbetween the sheets an excitment for the mat and 3 poses got me to take the next step of getting up.

 

1. Sukhasana (Easy Pose)

 For me and many others this is the place I am at the beginning and end of an asana practice. This is a place for centering and calm. A place for discovery and discipline. Even though it may appear easy to sit, it is where the challenges of the mind that can rise up.

Try: linking breath and movement by inhaling the arms up and over the head and exhaling the arms back down to your sides 10 times. If it resonates with you, also imagine surrounding yourself with a white light; clearing a space around you that is full of love and contentment.

 

2. Parivrtta Janu Sirsasana (revolved head to knee pose)

Side bends are extremely important to my practice right now. With the combination of sitting at a desk 5 days a week and mild scoliosis my pelvis and scuplas  don’t  live in harmony. Opening each side of the body with this posture benefits the Hamstrings, kidneys, liver, groins, shoulders, armpits, and spine all at once. It also plays a role in my own body of stabalizing the pelvis so that when I move into a seated or stand twist I won’t put any extra strain on my SI joint (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sacroiliac_joint).

Try: If it works with your body, add sidebends to your routine throughout the day. It is available sitting, standing or on the floor. Imagine expanding the sides of the rib-cage and sending breath to any place of discomfort.

3. Supta Virasana (reclining hero pose)

 An absolutely amazing opener for the hips and ankles. Keep in mind if you have any serious back, knee, or ankle problems, avoid this pose unless you have the assistance of an experienced instructor. I love this pose right now because it really helps me to feel open. Not only in body but also in mind and spirit. It can feel very intense and exposing and making my way through those discomforts and anxiety’s associated with that is very satisfying. There is also room to explore by either lessening the intensity and sitting upright in regular hero pose or (if it serves you) deeping by bringing the arms up overhead to help with tight shoulders.

Try: If you are feeling too exposed try this pose with hands or a blanket resting on the belly.

 

Remember my 3 favorites (for today) are linked into a whole practice. If you are doing 2 and 3 make sure the body has been warmed with movement and breath and when it serves feel the freedom of exploration through postures.

*In yoga breath is always first*

What are your favorite poses today? Please share 🙂

Namaste

xo Carly

The Appointment

The Appointment

By Carly

 

Only ten more minutes and I can just go home. Thank goodness. That movie wasn’t even good. Why did I even bother to stay awake to watch it? So much to do still. What should I make for dinner? I should text Charlie and ask him? He doesn’t seem to …

 

“Excuse me?”

 

“Yes, hi. Did you need to make another appointment?” I can feel my stomach growling. She’s not even looking at me. Hello? “Did you need another appointment?”

 

“I”ll pay first.”

 

Yes, obviously I know you need to pay. I’m just trying to help you. “Yup, we can do that.” Smile smile smile. “It will be $60 for today.” Okay, take a break from your phone hand me your card already…

 

“It was only $55 last time. Why is that?”

 

“Oh, sorry about that. It was showing wrong in my system.” Nine minutes to go. I haven’t seen this card before. It looks fancy. I wonder if she has a lot of money. She sure acts like she does. Doesn’t matter. “So when would you like to book for next?”

 

“I’ll need to come Thursday.”

 

“Okay, I have a couple openings, one at 7:30 am or another at 2:00 pm.” I don’t think she has made eye contact with me once. Connected to her phone and yet disconnected from real life.

 

“No, thats not going to work for me. You don’t have something around 10:00?”

 

Urg, patience. “No, sorry the only morning time slot is 7:30.” Like I already said.

 

“7:30 hmm, thats way too early for me. What was the other time again?”

 

“Two o’clock.” What do I have to snack on at home?

 

“Well, 10:00 would really be best. What do you have Friday?”

 

Click click click, sweet. “Yes, I have a 10:00 am on Friday if that works better for you.” Horay, click, champion of th…

 

“Ya, no. 10:00 doesn’t work for me on Friday. Do you have anything around 4:00?”

 

Ahhhhhhh. “Sorry, your therapist is only here till 3:00.”

 

“3:00 is fine.”

 

“No, she is only here till 3:00, her last appointment is at 2:30 and its already spoken for.” God, this women. Why is she so difficult? Maybe it would be helpful to look up from your phone. Oh, and now its ringing. Why doesn’t anyone call me? Smile.

 

“Hi, I can’t talk. I am just at an appointment. I’ll see you when you get home. Bye. Geez, kids right?!”

 

“Haha, yup.” Does she really think I look old enough to have kids old enough to be calling and bothering me on the phone? Old enough for a two year old. Maybe.

 

“Sorry, so you said you have 3:00 on Friday?”

 

Wow, really?! “No the only times I have Friday are 10:00 and 1:30.” Maybe old enough for a 5 year old if I had gotten pregnant after high school. But thats still a stretch. I wonder if I’ll  ever have kids. I’d be a better mother than her.

 

“Okay, well, this is ridiculous. I am trying to work YOU guys into MY schedule and it just isn’t working. I’ll have to call you when I know my schedule.”

 

Bitch! Well, at least she’s gone and I can go home.

 

 

Why is it always so hard to get up after these appointments. Pain is radiating everywhere in my body. Am I over reacting? Maybe I have that pain disease that Montel has. How do I get out of here. All I see is red flashing when I feel like this. Red red red. Oh buzz… there goes my phone. I should book first but I don’t want to miss a call from the hospital. 

 

“Excuse me?” This girl is just staring at the clock like a zombie. Oh shoot I missed a call. When did it ring? It was probably the hosp…

 

“Yes, hi. Did you need to make another appointment?” 

 

…ital. Red. Mom. My mom. I love her. It hurts. 

 

 

 “Did you need another appointment?”

 

Oh, I need to remember what I am doing. “I”ll pay first.” I have to go. What is going on with my call display. Its all wacky.

 

“Yup, we can do that. It will be $60 for today.”

 

Focus. Credit card. Wait that price is wrong. “It was only $55 last time. Why is that?” How much money have I spent here and I still hurt everywhere. Red.

 

“Oh, sorry about that. It was showing wrong in my system.”

 

How many times have I been here and she still can’t remember how much I pay. I wonder if she knows my name. I wonder when the last time a man said my name in passion was? 

 

“So when would you like to book for next?”

 

Mom’s thing is on Wednesday and the kids have that other singing thing in the afternoon on Thursday. “I’ll need to come Thursday.” 

 

“Okay, I have a couple openings, one at 7:30 am or another at 2:00 pm.” 

 

“No, thats not going to work for me. You don’t have something around 10:00?” Ahhh this phone. Calender. Okay Thursday. 

 

“No, sorry the only morning time slot is 7:30.”

 

Yikes. “7:30 hmm, thats way too early for me. What was the other time again?” My brain is not working. Red. Hospital. Mom.

 

“Two o’clock.” 

 

Forget Thursday. What’s Friday? “Well, 10:00 would really be best. What do you have Friday?”

 

“Yes, I have a 10:00 am on Friday if that works better for you.” 

 

“Ya, no. 10:00 doesn’t work for me on Friday. Do you have anything around 4:00?” Why is this girl so abrupt? I can’t think fast enough for her. Friday morning I have to go yoga. The kids…

 

“Sorry, your therapist is only here till 3:00.”

 

Oh “3:00 is fine.”

 

“No, she is only here till 3:00, her last appointment is at 2:30 and its already spoken for.” 

 

 

Red red. Oh phone finally. Mom. “Hi, I can’t talk.” Whats he gotten himself into now? He never calls. Red. Breathe. “I am just at an appointment. I’ll see you when you get home.” I love him, “Bye.” Her smile seems so forced. Maybe she has kids. Young ones. “Geez, kids right?!” I miss having a baby.

 

“Haha, yup.” 

 

I guess she does. What did she say? “Sorry, so you said you have 3:00 on Friday?” 

 

“No the only times I have Friday are 10:00 and 1:30.” 

 

Phone. Red. 1:30 what am I doing? Ahhh I can’t think right now. Mom. I have to check on mom. “Okay, well, this is ridiculous.” I am being ridiculous. Red red red. “I am trying to work you guys into my schedule and it just isn’t working. I’ll have to call you when I know my schedule.” I need to lay down. Wow, look of death from reception zombie. Glad I am not her kid.